Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
