I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
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It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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