Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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