Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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