so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
