The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize