Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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