remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
