Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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