I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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