do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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