I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
