my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
