booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
