I want to have your abortion
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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