WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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