I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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