you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
