Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
