I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
