It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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