Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
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I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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