3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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