Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
