Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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