remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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