I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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