hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
