You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
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I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
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Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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