Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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