I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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