don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have already put on my inside pants.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
