you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
