Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
