Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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