I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
