I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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