Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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