i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
