the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.