Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line