I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
