he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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