is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
