He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
