i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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