Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
