you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
