As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
