he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
