it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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