Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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