so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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