Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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