I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
