i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
