I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
