he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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