We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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