I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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