I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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